Consequences, Discipline, and Punishment

I'm a dad and I have 2 beautiful daughters in my house right now. As they've grown up just a little from new-born to toddler to child, my wife and I have worked hard to have the right posture and attitude towards "discipline". I have noticed that 3 words seem to kind of meld into each other and I prefer they have clear boundaries, because in our household we're very intentional to not punish... Punishment is a heavy and weighty thing and we don't want our kids to grow up thinking they get punished for messing up.

Kids certainly know right and wrong to some degree, and even when they knowingly do something "bad" it's not necessarily that there was malicious intent behind it... In my mind - 'punishment' is for malpractice, but erroring and making an unwise choice to "do something bad" is a lack of judgement and that doesn't require punishment, it should illicit discipline.

Why be so pedantic about these 2 words in particular? Well because I don't think it's appropriate for my daughters to believe they get punished for singing at the table... There's nothing morally wrong with that, but we do need them to focus on meals at meal time, so we practice being disciplined at the table. If they continue to sing, we utilitze consequences but they are never penal. What I mean is that if my kids are singing, being loud, etc. at the table, we have them run laps outside or do jumping jacks. Why? Because getting that excess energy out is a way for them to discipline their bodies, and learn to be self-controlled. There's no element of fear or of losing something because they're struggling to contain themselves while we eat.

Do you see the difference in how that frames even the obedience and the rule itself? It's not a thing to follow out of fear, rules are to be followed because it's right and to do what is right requires discipline and self-control. There is no need (actually there's not even an appropriate place) for punishment in this context.

So what of consequences? Well, sometimes punishment is a consequence, sometimes running laps is a consequence, sometimes getting hurt from falling out of a tree you weren't supposed to be climbing that high in is a consequence... Consequences are amoral things that happen after something else. But consequences presented without a framework for understanding them can sort of make them meaningless.

For a while I would tell my girls that "there will be consequences for disobeying", but this isn't enough - this doesn't explain why there are consequenes, it only encoruages obedience to avoid punishment rather than obedience because it is right.

So that's a short parenting note that I've been musing on - kids need to grow up learning how to be disciplined and how to be self-controlled. Raising them to avoid punishment teaches nothing about the socieatal expectation of appropriate behavior but rather puts them in a position of just trying to avoid something uncomfortable. That doesn't raise them towards something good, it only teaches them to avoid something else.

If instead my children understand that it is important to be a disciplined human, it fosters a relatonship of help and love between us. My job isn't to punish my kids for misbehaving, it's to raise them to be disciplined, honorable, well-meaning people in a society. If I'm their teacher and guide then that journey is filled with learning and love. If I only arbitrate justice through negative consequences and punishment, then what room is there in their hearts to love me as their dad if they're always afraid I'm going to punish them for something?